From Perth, Australia’s weekend seminar, May 2009, here is Rachel Dillon’s original opening structure of verse, verse, chorus:
| We grew up together in the same small town | a |
| Standing watching summer storms coming down | a |
| You with hair of gold and a will so strong | b |
| I hardly said boo but my heart was full of song | b |
| You chased the ducks I ran from the drake | c |
| We skipped rocks on the dam and swam in the lake | c |
| Pretended to drive ‘cross the state in an abandoned old van | d |
| And we ran, and we ran | d |
| Hell for leather, hell for leather |
| Hell for leather, down Bellbird Hill |
Let’s start with the 2nd line image to strengthen the whole journey:
| Standing watching summer storms coming down | a |
| Growing up together in the same small town | a |
| You with hair of gold and a will so strong | b |
| I hardly said boo but my heart was full of song | b |
| You chased the ducks I ran from the drake | c |
| We skipped rocks on the dam and swam in the lake | c |
| Pretended to drive ‘cross the state in an abandoned old van | d |
| And we ran, and we ran | d |
| Hell for leather, hell for leather |
| Hell for leather, down Bellbird Hill |
Try turning the verses into an abab rhyme scheme to create a smoother journey. That way, we don’t stop every 2 lines, and will create two units of 4 lines rather than, with the couplets (aabb), four units of 2 lines:
| Standing watching summer storms coming down | a |
| You with hair of gold and a will so strong | b |
| Growing up together in the same small town | a |
| I hardly said boo but my heart was full of song | b |
| You chased the ducks I ran from the drake | c |
| Pretended to drive ‘cross the state in an abandoned old van | d |
| We skipped rocks on the dam and swam in the lake | c |
| And we ran, and we ran | d |
| Hell for leather, hell for leather |
| Hell for leather, down Bellbird Hill |
Instead, we could try unrhyming the first couplet to create a less stable journey, ending with a surprise rhyme at the 4th lines. I especially like the feel of the 2nd verse this way:
| Standing watching summer storms rolling by | x |
| Growing up together in the same small town | x |
| You with hair of gold and a will so strong | a |
| I hardly said boo but my heart was full of song | a |
| You chased the ducks I ran from the goose | x |
| We skipped rocks on the dam and swam in the lake | x |
| Pretended to drive ‘cross the state in an abandoned old van | b |
| And we ran, and we ran | b |
| Hell for leather, hell for leather |
| Hell for leather, down Bellbird Hill |
Again, looking for an unstable structure to create a more wistful feeling, let’s try an abba rhyme scheme, which opens the structure, while using the rhyme scheme to throw things off balance. I like the effect of the internal rhymes van/dam/swam in blurring the motion, helping to create a floating, nostalgic feel:
| Standing watching summer storms coming down | a |
| You with hair of gold and a will so strong | b |
| I hardly said boo but my heart was full of song | b |
| Growing up together in the same small town | a |
| Pretended to ‘cross the state in an abandoned old van | c |
| We skipped rocks on the dam and swam in the lake | d |
| You chased the ducks I chased the drake | d |
| And we ran, and we ran | c |
| Hell for leather, hell for leather |
| Hell for leather, down Bellbird Hill |
These are all different journeys. It’s nice to be able to lay out the choices – to know what choices you have and how each one makes you feel. Then you can choose the one that feels best.
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